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I doubt I'm alone in that when I first started coming with super-hero parody concepts many were Batman/Robin types. When I took many of those earlier ideas and started to try and write for Superguy I ended up discarding most of them. And when I gathered up the various concepts from that for what I want to do with my Superfic stories, I trimmed away nearly all the rest. Because most of them were really, really stupid. I mean REALLY stupid. And this is from a guy who STILL thinks a Hulk-parody named SMURF! is awesome. But yeah, HatchetMan and Kid Cutlery? Finding-StuffMan and Lost Boy. TERRIBLE IDEAS. But one managed to stick with me. Mostly because I actually had a few story ideas for the sidekick. So BadgerMan and Kid Weasel remained...
And then later I began thinking, hmmm. Future stories. So the sidekick is now the main hero. And he's got a sidekick. But what if thats a TRADITION? If there is a LINE of heroes and sidekicks stretching back generations...
And so the The Heroic Legacy of the Weasel:
Lord Weasel & Childe Sable
Sir Sable & Squire Mink
The Comte de Mink & Young Ferret
Mr. Ferret & Lil' Otter
The Lone Otter & the Fisher Kid
The Fisher & Wolverine Boy
Captain Wolverine & Skunk Boy
SkunkMan & Badger Lad
BadgerMan & Kid Weasel
The Weasel & Ms. Mustelid
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“Ok, what was it this time?”
“I really don’t want to talk about it.”
“It can’t be any worse than the loose towel episode. And besides, I think I’ve got you beat this week.”
“Oh? You think so?”
“Yeah, I do. But you go first.”
“Ok. Fine. So last Tuesday we’re laying BwahahaMan and a bunch of Rent-A-Thugs. He was poisoning donuts or some shit like that this time around. But James and I tracked him to his hideout and jumped them. And we’re just cleaning house when Bwaha nails me in the back with a shotgun.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah, hurts like a fucking bitch, but the armor takes it. Still, it knocks me to the ground and knocks the wind out of me. Left a huge fucking bruise also.”
“I’ll bet.”
“So I’m fucking lying there and James just goes bug-fuck. I mean lays out the last of the Thugs and just starts in on Bwaha. Leaves him with a broken arm, a bunch of cracked ribs and a jaw that’ll apparently need to be wired shut.”
“Well, that’s good. Means we won’t have to listen to his lame jokes for awhile.”
“No shit. So anyway, we’re the car.”
“The Badger Car.”
“…”
“Yeah, so we’re in the car and we’re heading back to the house.”
“You mean the Badger’s Den?”
“Look do you want me to finish? Seriously, I don’t make fun of your family’s giant fucking phallic symbol of a fucking tower.”
“Sorry. Go on.”
“You sure? Maybe you’d rather talk about the Badger-a-rangs?”
“I said I was sorry. Ok? Just finish the story.”
“Right. So we’re driving back. And James is lecturing me on situational awareness and shit. And not using the armor as a crutch. But I can tell he was worried. And so I’m thinking now’s the time. Now I can tell him how I feel.”
“Uh oh.”
“Yeah. So he’s finished the lecture and I’ve grunted back in all the right places. So now there’s one of those pauses. And I’m trying to work up my nerve. And that’s when he starts talking about hooking up with Alleycat on patrol the night before. Alley-my fucking tits can barely constrained by latex-cat. That HUGE fucking slut Alleycat.”
“They’re nice tits though.”
“…”
“Well they are.”
“Ok so lets hear yours.”
“My what?” “Story of unrequited love.”
“Well frustrated lust really.”
“Fine, fine. So lets hear it.”
“Right. So the last month I’ve been working on busting up a W.O.E. cell in Chicago. And most of that time working with the neocon twins.”
“The All-American Teens?”
“Yeah. And the both of them walking sex appeal. The whole time Rocket is trying to flirt and act like he wants to hook up. But I can tell he’s faking it. And Bombshell’s trying to either ignore me or trash me in front of her brother. Except she keeps watching me when she thinks I can’t tell. I swear they’re the two most closeted people I’ve ever met.”
“Rocket’s gay? Holy crap.”
“Yeah, both of them are. But totally in denial about it. And while Rocket’s a hunky piece of man-meat, I’m so not being either his beard or bolstering his self-delusions.”
“He did know you’re only fourteen right?”
“Fuck no. Its not my fault my people reach adulthood by twelve. Fucking high speed parthogenesis bullshit. And after the disaster that was my relationship with Dom, I’m telling anyone my age again.”
“Hey, I can’t blame Swimkid for freaking when he found out his girlfriend wasn’t just younger, but could have got him tagged as a pedophile.”
“Four years isn’t that big a difference. And even if we’d been found out both our families have full diplomatic status. It was no excuse for him to start fucking BirdMaiden.” “I still can’t believe you got back at him by sleeping with his sister.”
“It wasn’t just revenge. Naiad’s insanely hot. And she knew things.”
“You are such a slut. You know that right?”
“Oh hush. Great. Now I’m all depressed about that. I can’t believe their father sent them back to Lemuria.”
“Hey, talk was getting around. It would have been just a matter of time before the whole sordid thing was in the papers.”
“I know, I know. Mom explained it all to me and how she agreed with Prince Gav’s decision. But damn it, you don’t forget your first love. Or loves.” “Slut.”
“Quiet. I should have concentrated on being frustrated with the morality twins.”
“Probably best not to get romantically involved with them anyway. I’ve heard a few things.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was talking to Netizen a few months back, when we were upgrading our computer systems. And he mentioned some stuff he’d found out on them.”
“Like what?” “According to Netizen they’re not just sponsored by the America’s Future Foundation. The two of them are lab-grown and raised clones. Plus he said he found a bunch of oddball psyche stuff that he couldn’t understand. Too much outside his frame of refrence I guess.”
“Damn, that’s kind of creepy.” “Yeah, I mentioned it to James and he said he and some of the others are keeping an eye on the situation.”
“Why do you call it him?” “James?”
“No, Netizen.”
“I don’t know. He just seems male to me. You’ve never felt he had a gender?”
“No, not really. Still its good to know at least someone in our social group who has less of a love life than me.” “Actually he’s involved with the Otaku Collective.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” “Nope. They even have something similar to sex apparently.”
“I don’t fucking believe this! A pair of juvenile A.I.s have a better sex life than we do!”
“Well, better than you at any rate.”
“Un-fucking-believable! This just…wait. Are saying you’re seeing someone?” “Sort of.”
“Who? Is it a civ or one of us?” “Sort of one of us. His name’s Danny O’Bannion.”
“Why do I know that name?” “His alias is Caterwaul.”
“…”
“YOU’RE DATING A SUPER-VILLIAN?!?”
“Ok, first off we’re not dating. Its more like, well…”
“A booty call?”
“I guess.”
“And you’re calling me a slut?”
“Point. And he doesn’t know I know.”
“Oh?”
“We hooked up at a club a couple weeks back. I didn’t even recognize him at first. I mean he’s not one of our stable of villains, you know?”
“Sure, I suppose.” “And even after I figured out where I knew him from I didn’t see the harm. He thinks he’s been hooking up with a college student.”
“How old does he think you are?” “Twenty-two.”
“Only off by five years. And how old is he?” “Thirty-two.”
“Woah. Even with the lie he’s robbing the cradle.” “You’re bringing up age differences?”
“Point for you. So?” “So what?”
“What’s he like?” “Less aggressive than I would have expected. I was the one who had to initiate things. But once I got things going it was pretty intense. Plus no fumbling around or awkward pauses like I’ve gotten with the few guys my own age.”
“What is he doing in your town anyway?”
“He said he was here selling exercise equipment to the local gyms. But I trailed him one morning and it looks like he’s working as a bodyguard for Professor Puzzle.”
“So you’ll eventually be taking him down.” “…”
“I mean you’re going to have to stop whatever Puzzle’s latest scheme is and take out your new boyfriend. Sounds awkward.”
“Maybe. But it looks like the Prof is planning something in Seattle. Which makes them the Goth or Underwaterer’s problem. I’ll pass word along when it looks like they’re getting ready to leave town.”
“I wonder what other villains might cruise the bar scene?”
“Why?”
“Well I always thought King of the Beach or Madame Drama were hot. Or even better XeroxMan. Mmmm.”
“You have officially won the Biggest Slut contest you know?”
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